| Falling in love with love has been the subject of | | | | wanted to find a partner who is loving, kind, |
| parody from the time of ancient Greece, to | | | | responsible, likes kids, isn't possessive or domineering, |
| Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, to the present. The | | | | doesn't smoke or do drugs, and holds compatible |
| 1938 Rodgers and Hart show tune describes falling in | | | | beliefs about religion. It is important to have |
| love with love as "falling for make-believe" and | | | | established standards such as those on which to |
| "playing the fool." | | | | evaluate a prospective mate. However if your image |
| Do real life people actually fall in love with the idea of | | | | of the person you want to marry is highly visual or |
| being in love? Unfortunately, it is actually quite | | | | sensual, you may be in love with the idea of love. |
| common. Someone wants desperately to have the | | | | Does your image sound like, "My husband is going to |
| husband or wife of their dreams. They visualize the | | | | be six feet, with black wavy hair, no hair on his |
| vine-covered cottage with the white picket fence. | | | | chest, big hands. We're going to have three children, |
| They choose the colors for the nursery. They design | | | | and my husband is going to be the little league coach |
| all the aspects of their married life. So what happens | | | | and boy scout leader for the boys." Or, "I'm going to |
| when mister or miss "Right" offers a brief smile? | | | | marry a petite blond with big firm breasts. My wife is |
| Just as in the comedies, a person who is in love with | | | | always going to wear a dress, and she is never going |
| the idea of love sees prospective partners through | | | | to work after the kids are born." Those sorts of |
| the lens of idealism. The reaction is, "This must be | | | | images don't provide any room to marry a real |
| the one. They are so perfect - the match of my | | | | person. No one could ever live up to those fantasies, |
| dreams." Is that person they just met a perfect | | | | and a relationship based on such fixed images is |
| match? It's unlikely their friends think so. So what | | | | bound to crash. |
| happened? That person with the cute smile was not | | | | While the preceding paragraph presents an |
| much more than a mirror for the hopes and dreams | | | | exaggerated picture of falling in love with love, just |
| of the one in love with love. | | | | tone it down until it matches what you have |
| If the relationship proceeds in spite of the warnings | | | | observed in a few of your friends. Then ask whether |
| of friends and family, a grand crash awaits later. The | | | | either you or the person you are dating has any |
| idealism and vision of a perfect marriage explodes | | | | tendency toward being in love with a fixed image of |
| into a firestorm as soon as it becomes clear that the | | | | how a partner should be. |
| prospective partner was far from matching the | | | | Great relationships begin with two people who are |
| idealized image. | | | | each self confident and who come to each other |
| Might you be in love with love? Might you be dating | | | | with the openness to see and accept the other as a |
| someone who is more in love with the idea of love | | | | unique and wonderful person. If there is true love and |
| than in love with you? Consider these questions | | | | an alignment of fundamental values, choose to join |
| about yourself and the person you are dating. | | | | your life with your new partner and vow never to |
| Before you met, did you have a clear image of who | | | | criticize their nature - the essence that makes them |
| you wanted to marry? Perhaps you knew that you | | | | uniquely themselves. |