| Strength in numbers | | | | uncomfortable. However, Jewish customs are quite |
| Sitting Shiva is the tradition of mourning in the Jewish | | | | clear in describing proper etiquette and that helps |
| religion. Gathering together as a community is at the | | | | alleviate awkward feelings. Generally, be a good |
| core of sitting Shiva, just as it is at the core of many | | | | listener and be as helpful as possible when people are |
| Jewish traditions. The strength and support of | | | | sitting Shiva. |
| friends, family and neighbors, during sitting Shiva, | | | | Soon after arriving, visitors should approach the |
| plays a key role in helping the bereaved get through | | | | mourners and sit quietly with them, possibly offering |
| the process of grieving. | | | | a hug or handshake, but letting the mourner begin |
| Shiva is the mourning period, traditionally observed by | | | | the conversation. They may not feel like talking at all, |
| the parent, spouse, sibling or child of the deceased. | | | | and sitting in silence is perfectly acceptable. |
| During Shiva (“sitting Shiva”), which is | | | | Alternatively, the visitor can simply say, “I’m |
| traditionally a seven day period that begins | | | | sorry,” and that can be enough. Just being there |
| immediately after the funeral, the family stays home | | | | says it all—words are not always necessary when |
| to focus on their grief, remember their loved one and | | | | visiting those sitting Shiva. |
| receive visitors. Although traditionally a seven-day | | | | It helps to remember that Shiva occurs during the |
| period, many families sit Shiva for a shorter period; | | | | most intense days of mourning. Those who have just |
| perhaps 1, 2 or 3 days. The Shiva period is often | | | | lost a loved one will experience a range of powerful |
| announced at the funeral. | | | | emotions, and that is an important part of the healing |
| Sympathy Gift Baskets are Customary | | | | process. This is the perfect time to share stories, |
| Jewish custom discourages sending flowers or gifts | | | | photos and cherished memories of the deceased. |
| other than food when people are sitting Shiva. In | | | | Moreover, if you do not know what to say, remain |
| fact, Shiva begins with seudat havra'ah, "the meal of | | | | silent. |
| consolation," prepared by family and neighbors. For | | | | Shiva—an act of kindness |
| those who are unable to make a personal visit, | | | | If there is a chance to be helpful, make an offer, or |
| sending a food gifts basket such as a Shiva Food | | | | just complete the task, when appropriate. Run |
| Gifts or Sympathy Gift Baskets, with a thoughtful | | | | errands, pick-up at the airport, host someone coming |
| card is an appropriate and helpful gesture. | | | | in from out of town, cook or clean up, or take care |
| “I find that when giving a sympathy gift or | | | | of children. Whatever can be done to remove daily |
| sympathy basket, people feel the need to send it | | | | chores from those sitting Shiva becomes an immense |
| immediately,” says Jane Moritz, owner of The | | | | help. Shiva calls should be thought of as an act of |
| Challah Connection. “However, it’s important | | | | kindness, not as a burden. The visit can be an hour or |
| to remember that people are visiting throughout and | | | | less to avoid tiring the family. Different families will |
| even after the Shiva period. The need for food to | | | | observe Shiva in different manners. It is traditional for |
| share continues for some time, so spacing out gifts is | | | | mourners to have a tear in their clothing to symbolize |
| perfectly acceptable.” | | | | their loss; they may sit on low stools or even on the |
| Be sure to find out if the family sitting Shiva keeps | | | | floor to show the depth of their sadness, and some |
| kosher so you can send an appropriate food gift | | | | show a traditional disregard for vanity and personal |
| basket. In addition, when you are thinking of what to | | | | comfort by maintaining only the minimal standards of |
| write, a simple message when people are sitting | | | | personal care, dressing simply and covering mirrors. |
| Shiva is best. Consider a message such as “With | | | | Usually a 24-hour candle burns in memory of the |
| our heartfelt sympathy,” or “We are so | | | | deceased. In some homes, mourners will recite |
| sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts,” or | | | | Kaddish up to three times a day with a minyan, |
| the most traditional, “May God comfort you | | | | which is a group of 10 Jewish adults. At times, it is |
| among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” | | | | difficult to gather a minyan, so visitors who can |
| What you can do and say For many, consoling the | | | | participate are especially appreciated. |
| bereaved that are sitting Shiva can be difficult and | | | | |