| Twenty years ago, the first woman I ever loved | | | | liked or not. What I am saying is that in freeing |
| broke my heart. Like many break ups, the end came | | | | myself from the need to be liked--in learning to |
| in stutters and sine waves rather than as an abrupt | | | | derive my self-esteem from internal support--I can |
| but mercifully irreversible amputation. However, for | | | | more easily let go of the dissonance that (still) occurs |
| reasons I couldn't understand yet quickly began to | | | | when I'm disliked. Ridding myself of the need to sign |
| resent, my ex-girlfriend continued to ask favors of | | | | Good Guy Contracts has brought me tremendous |
| me. And I continued to grant them. | | | | benefits, including enabling me to: |
| Then one morning while chanting I found myself | | | | 1. Stop suffering when people don't like me. I can't |
| ruminating about how inappropriate it was of her to | | | | control how others respond to me, and being freed |
| keep asking, and the more I thought about it, the | | | | of the need to write Good Guy Contracts has freed |
| more irritated I became. My indignation continued to | | | | me of the need to try to influence others to like me |
| intensify after I'd finished chanting and began | | | | as well--which has freed up an unbelievable amount |
| showering, finally reaching a peak as I rinsed the | | | | of my time. |
| shampoo from my hair, causing me to make a | | | | 2. Become an effective leader. If your primary |
| sudden and angry determination that the next time | | | | concern is to please everyone, you won't be able to |
| she asked me for a favor, I'd refuse. | | | | make good decisions for the right reasons. I could |
| At that exact moment, the phone rang. | | | | never have taken on the leadership roles I have had |
| I knew it was her calling--and sure enough, after I'd | | | | I not eliminated my need to be a People Pleaser |
| finished showering, one of my roommates confirmed | | | | (another name for a Good Guy). |
| it and added that she'd asked that I call her back | | | | 3. Establish more genuine friendships--friendships |
| before I left for school. | | | | based on mutual interest, free of the underlying |
| As I walked toward the phone I told myself that | | | | agenda in which I would use the goodwill of another |
| when she asked me for the favor for which I knew | | | | to support my self-esteem. |
| she'd called, I'd refuse. I called her up, and--sure | | | | 4. Be compassionate. Freed of the need to be liked, I |
| enough--she asked me if I would record a television | | | | can now contemplate compassionate action |
| show for her on my VCR (again, this was 20 years | | | | motivated only by the desire to add to the happiness |
| ago). In my mind I said, "No." But then I heard my | | | | of another person and not by the imperative to |
| mouth say, "Yes." | | | | sustain my self-esteem, which makes it far more |
| I hung up--and laughed out loud. I was as powerless | | | | likely my actions will be wisely compassionate as I |
| to refuse her a favor as I was to run through a brick | | | | discussed in a previous post, What Compassion Is. |
| wall. Literally. | | | | 5. Avoid explosive expressions of pent up |
| So I decided to begin chanting with the determination | | | | resentment. Being unable to say no leads to |
| to free myself from my inability to refuse her favors. | | | | resentment toward oneself that often gets |
| And one day, months later, while chanting, I had an | | | | projected onto others but that's paradoxically rarely |
| epiphany. The reason I remained unable to refuse her | | | | expressed (becoming angry at someone would |
| requests was that I'd established a Good Guy | | | | violate the terms of the Good Guy Contract)--until it |
| Contract with her. | | | | builds up to the point where it must be expressed |
| Until that moment of epiphany, I had no idea what a | | | | and then often becomes so in explosive and |
| Good Guy Contract was, much less that it was the | | | | damaging ways. |
| standard contract I consistently signed with almost | | | | 6. Avoid feeling overwhelmed by too much |
| everyone in my life. But in that startling moment of | | | | responsibility. What a relief it's been to be able to |
| clarity I understood not only what it was but why I | | | | own what's mine and not what belongs to others. |
| kept signing it: my self-esteem, which I'd previously | | | | HOW TO TEAR UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT |
| believed to be built on things solely internal, was in | | | | People sign Good Guy Contracts all the time. It's |
| fact entirely dependent on something external--the | | | | especially common in younger people, less so as |
| good will of others. The Good Guy Contract was | | | | people mature naturally into independence. Yet it |
| simple: I would agree to be nice to you, to advise | | | | persists in many--as I believe it would have in me had |
| you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you--and in | | | | I not confronted the suffering my signing a Good |
| return you would agree to believe that I was wise, | | | | Guy Contract with my ex-girlfriend caused me. |
| compassionate, excellent as a human being in every | | | | If you're a chronic People Pleaser who can't stand to |
| way, and finally and most importantly, you would like | | | | disappoint others when disappointing them is |
| me. | | | | appropriate, then you have a great opportunity to |
| This was the contract I'd signed with my ex-girlfriend, | | | | become happier. First, how can you confirm that you |
| the only difference being I didn't just expect to be | | | | sign Good Guy Contracts in your relationships (both |
| liked; I expected to be loved. And for a while, I was. | | | | romantic and platonic)? Try asking yourself the |
| Unfortunately once I'd had a taste of that love, it | | | | following questions: |
| became my ego's addiction, and when she took it | | | | 1. When you disappoint someone, anger them, or |
| away from me I became profoundly depressed--not | | | | cause them in some way to dislike you, does it |
| because, as I originally thought, I'd been left by | | | | create disproportionate anxiety for you? |
| someone I thought was the love of my life, but | | | | 2. Do you have difficulty enduring even a mild degree |
| because I genuinely believed without that someone I | | | | of conflict with others? |
| couldn't be happy. Why, then, did I keep doing favors | | | | 3. Do you become obsessed with manipulating how |
| for her after we'd broken up? Because I couldn't | | | | others feel about you? |
| shake the Good Guy habit. Some part of me believed | | | | 4. Are your actions predominantly motivated by how |
| if I continued to fulfill my contractual obligations to | | | | they'll cause others to view you? |
| her, she'd start fulfilling hers again to me. To say I | | | | If so, these are reasonably good indicators you're |
| was shocked to discover my self-esteem had been | | | | working too hard to be a Good Guy. |
| built on such shaky ground would be an | | | | What, then, can you do to stop? Other than taking |
| understatement. | | | | up the practice of Nichiren Buddhism, the most |
| I didn't realize at the time, but at the moment I had | | | | effective method I've found is to practice |
| the epiphany about my propensity to sign Good Guy | | | | disappointing people. That is, when disappointing |
| Contracts with everyone in my life, I stopped doing | | | | someone is genuinely necessary, I approach it as |
| it. This was proven to me three months later when | | | | practice for developing my self-esteem. If I fail, that's |
| my best friend came to me asking me why I had | | | | fine. After all, it was only practice. I get back up, dust |
| recently become such a jerk to all my friends. My | | | | myself off, and make a determination to try again |
| first reaction was to become defensive and deny it. | | | | next time, reminding myself as I do so that violating |
| But then I stopped myself, realizing that he was | | | | the Good Guy Contract and setting appropriate |
| absolutely right. I began to wonder why I had in fact | | | | boundaries doesn't usually lead to being disliked as we |
| become so dismissive of so many of my friends and | | | | People Pleasers fear, but rather to being respected. |
| realized that I'd somehow stopped needing their | | | | In all honesty, even now, two decades later, I |
| approval to sustain my self-esteem and had | | | | sometimes still feel the tug of the need to please. |
| somehow torn up all the Good Guy Contracts I'd | | | | Though the wisdom I activated all those years ago |
| signed with them. I'd somehow discovered a way to | | | | has never stopped functioning in my life, sometimes |
| love and value myself without feeding off the love | | | | it functions less strongly than others, depending on |
| and esteem of anyone else. And most fascinating of | | | | my life-condition. Sometimes I still have to remind |
| all, without my ever discussing this with my | | | | myself consciously not to be overly affected by the |
| ex-girlfriend, she never asked me for another favor | | | | opinions of others. But the ability to let go of my |
| again. | | | | need to be liked, even if it sometimes requires |
| THE BENEFIT OF TEARING UP THE GOOD GUY | | | | conscious effort, is one of the greatest bits of |
| CONTRACT | | | | human revolution I've ever accomplished and |
| I'm not arguing there's anything wrong with wanting | | | | absolutely worth every bit of suffering it required. |
| to be liked. Nor am I saying I no longer care if I'm | | | | |