| When we suffer the death of someone we love, we | | | | our future are worth it. I think we are. And this |
| experience mental, emotional and physical distress. In | | | | makes forgiving easier. |
| this fragile state, it is likely that we will feel | | | | The bereavement support group I attended after |
| resentment, indignation or anger. Sometimes these | | | | my husband died was led by a woman whose |
| feelings may be the result of a perceived offense or | | | | daughter had been murdered. One night she talked |
| difference with someone we know. They might be | | | | about forgiving the murderer of her child. After a |
| directed at a person we hold responsible for the | | | | couple of years, she had been able to forgive him |
| death or even, perhaps, with our deceased loved | | | | and even request that his death sentence be |
| one. | | | | changed to a life sentence. At the time I couldn't |
| During the final stages of my husband's illness and | | | | understand why she felt the need to forgive him, |
| after his death, I remember being surprised at the | | | | much less how she could manage to forgive him. In |
| support and kindness of many people. Some, I hardly | | | | time, when I understood that forgiving others is a |
| knew. I was also surprised by the absence of | | | | vital key to our own healing, it became clear that this |
| support and/or inappropriate remarks made by family | | | | was the reason she had forgiven her daughter's |
| and friends. One family member told me with great | | | | murderer. She could never truly heal until she forgave |
| urgency that my children didn't stand a chance. Her | | | | this man. |
| claim was that children of single parents are "always | | | | As we begin the process of forgiveness, we should |
| problems and in trouble." Other comments, such as | | | | be conscious of these common misconceptions: |
| "It's a blessing that his suffering is over" seemed | | | | - Forgiveness will make us feel better right away. (In |
| flippant. Didn't they know that any young father | | | | reality, making the decision to forgive will be only the |
| would gladly suffer in order to watch his children | | | | beginning of a slow, but ultimately satisfying process.) |
| grow up! Everyone who suffers a loss experiences | | | | - Forgiveness will only make the other person feel |
| similar situations. | | | | better. (The forgiven person often doesn't even feel |
| When we think of forgiving others, it may seem an | | | | the need to be forgiven or know they have hurt |
| impossible task in our distressed state of mind. We | | | | you.) |
| think, "I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm offended. Why should I | | | | - In order to forgive, we must tell the other person. |
| have to forgive? I'm the injured party!" It takes | | | | (As above, the forgiven person often doesn't know |
| great effort and strength to forgive. We are tired | | | | or care to be forgiven.) |
| and emotionally spent. It is easier to push grudges | | | | - To forgive means to forget. (We may never |
| out of our consciousness or to nurture them into | | | | forget the actions that we have forgiven.) |
| anger in order to focus our emotional energy. The | | | | A clergyman once spoke about the difficulty of |
| problem with avoiding forgiveness is that it is | | | | forgiveness by citing a personal example. After being |
| detrimental to our healing | | | | grievously wronged, he felt the urge to run his car |
| It has been my life experience that what goes | | | | over the perpetrator. As he worked to find |
| around, comes around. I know I have made countless | | | | forgiveness, he imagined lightly braking, then braking |
| blunders in my life-conscious and unconscious-and I | | | | completely and even stopping and waving. As he |
| always have the expectation of being forgiven. So it | | | | reached true forgiveness, he could imagine stopping |
| is only right that I should forgive others. But that | | | | and even offering the person a ride. |
| doesn't make the task any easier. | | | | While this example might be comical, it illustrates how |
| It may be surprising to learn that we can benefit | | | | we must work on the process of letting go of our |
| greatly from forgiving others. In fact, we benefit far | | | | anger. Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen |
| more than those we forgive. Studies show that | | | | instantaneously. It is a journey of the heart. |
| people who forgive are happier and healthier than | | | | We must internalize these truths as we deal with |
| those who hold resentments. This information is not | | | | forgiveness: |
| new. The ancient Buddhist religion views forgiveness | | | | - Forgiveness involves the mind, emotion and will. |
| as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from | | | | - Forgiveness requires a conscious conviction of need |
| causing havoc on one's mental well-being. Buddhism | | | | to forgive for our own benefit. |
| recognizes that feelings of ill-will leave a lasting effect | | | | - Forgiveness attempts to understand the other |
| on our mind "karma." And Judeo-Christian philosophy | | | | person. |
| places great importance on forgiveness as a path to | | | | - We must desire to forgive. |
| redemption. | | | | - We must choose to forgive. |
| Forgiveness is a vital step in the healing we need to | | | | If we keep in mind that it is ourselves who will reap |
| recover from the loss of someone we love. Lewis B. | | | | the greatest rewards of forgiveness, we can find |
| Smedes writes, "If you've been hurt, do you deserve | | | | the strength to take these steps. And these steps |
| to go on hurting? Or do you deserve to be healed?" | | | | will move us forward on our journey of healing. |
| So, the question of forgiveness is whether we and | | | | |