| (St. John of the Cross in his book, "The Ascent of | | | | the top of my head down through my body and out |
| Mount Carmel," indicates that God tears down the old | | | | the bottom of my feet, spreading throughout the hall |
| body of one who seeks union with God, so that a | | | | and into each of the silent meditators sitting with me. |
| new temple appropriate to receive God will grow). | | | | I could barely keep from laughing; how silly they all |
| Janet and I had just spent two years living by | | | | looked, sitting there practicing their meditation with |
| ourselves in a remote area of Pennsylvania. It was | | | | such seriousness, and with such concerned faces. |
| 1983, and I was tending oil wells on the property, | | | | And how ridiculous were those powerful words that |
| cutting wood for our woodstove, and chasing black | | | | blasted from inside my head; "You are now |
| bears away from our trailer, while Janet planted a | | | | completely healed." Healed of what? I was in peak |
| large garden, cooked soybeans in a pressure cooker, | | | | physical condition, the prime of my life! What needed |
| and made lots of yummy homemade bread! | | | | healing? |
| It was an idyllic setting, with our little mobile home | | | | I gazed about the hall and marveled at these |
| situated on a hill surrounded by a hundred acres of | | | | meditators; so ridiculously solemn. I felt as if a |
| forest dotted with shallow, Pennsylvania oil wells. We | | | | flippant, glib being had taken over my body and was |
| were able to practice meditation all day, every day, | | | | showing me that everything was merely a silly dance. |
| either sitting in meditation practicing concentration, or | | | | It was so liberating, and the urge to laugh became |
| practicing mindfulness during our activities. | | | | uncontrollable. It was as if I was back at home in |
| But reluctantly we eventually had to move on, and | | | | Ohio with my father scolding me for giggling at the |
| decided to spend some time at the Zen Center in | | | | dinner table! The more he frowned, the more I |
| San Francisco for our first stop. Soon after arriving, | | | | giggled. |
| we found ourselves participating in a week-long, | | | | I finally had to leave the hall before my laughter |
| fourteen-hour a day intensive meditation retreat with | | | | erupted, but when I went to my room and tried to |
| about forty other monks and lay people. | | | | sleep, the giggling abruptly stopped. |
| And that's when it happened . . . | | | | It was an unimaginable terror-filled night with wild |
| My meditation had been deepening quickly during the | | | | random snippets of visions in vivid color raging |
| retreat, influenced by the subliminal effects of the | | | | through my mind, several flashing every second. The |
| many other meditators in the hall. All distractions had | | | | top half of my body was on fire, and the bottom |
| disappeared, and only mind remained observing itself. | | | | half, ice cold, and my heart was palpitating and |
| This appeared as a blank screen, an image that my | | | | pounding so severely that it would actually stop |
| mind was extraordinarily attracted to, and remained | | | | beating for long periods of time, producing intense |
| effortlessly absorbed in. | | | | feelings of fear and impending death. |
| Things were going pretty well, until large blocks of | | | | Then my body would become numb. I could feel |
| time began mysteriously disappearing from my | | | | nothing, as my breathing became shallow and would |
| awareness. The bell would sound, indicating the | | | | almost stop, with no apparent heartbeat, and I would |
| beginning of a forty-minute meditation period, and | | | | have to move my fingers and toes to make sure |
| seemingly two seconds later, it would sound again | | | | that I was still there. Then, after about twenty |
| ending the session! I didn't know where the | | | | minutes in this catatonic state, the wild, random |
| thirty-nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds were | | | | scenes would begin again, accompanied by a runaway |
| going to; but whatever was happening was intriguing | | | | heartbeat. |
| and somewhat amusing until unexpectedly one | | | | The severity of this alternating manic activity and |
| afternoon in the hall, everything changed forever. | | | | dead calm only became worse during the night, and |
| It began with a literal "bang." I actually thought that | | | | finally, about four a.m. when everybody was just |
| someone snuck up behind me and hit me on the | | | | waking up, I stumbled into the hallway looking for |
| head with a telephone book! Then I heard booming | | | | help. Someone called the head monk who came |
| words coming from inside my mind, powerful and | | | | quickly, but had no idea what was going on. He |
| commanding words sounding like a loudspeaker and | | | | summoned a physician that was fortunately attending |
| etching themselves permanently in my mind: "You are | | | | the retreat, who after a cursory check of my heart |
| now completely healed." | | | | piled me into his car and headed for San Francisco |
| Immediately following these words, my ears began | | | | General Hospital. |
| ringing loudly, and the upper part of my body heated | | | | The emergency room was packed, and I had to wait |
| up, feeling feverish. I also became extremely giddy | | | | an interminably long time. About three hours later, a |
| for no apparent reason and could barely control the | | | | male nurse wheeled me into an examining room and |
| urge to laugh out loud. I actually thought that I would | | | | hooked up an EKG. He glanced at the tape and said, |
| have to leave the hall before I disrupted everybody. | | | | "Wow! Stay cool man, I'll get some help! |
| Next, I saw waves of energy visibly flowing from | | | | |